


Do I miss you?

by cheesybob20



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Break Up, Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2020-12-01 22:09:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20914649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheesybob20/pseuds/cheesybob20
Summary: Before and after break-up perspectives & CheatingShit show basically





	1. I miss you..?

**Author's Note:**

> TW  
Suicide, Self Harm and related stuff.
> 
> B E W A R E!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible tw

Their relationship was toxic, both of them brought the worst and emotionally drained each other, even their friends knew. They were great people separately but together they formed something disgusting and while one was ready to end it, the other was dependant.

That day ran normally but things for Alex seemed a bit empty, he felt dejected so as he would always do when he was feeling sad he called James.

James looked at his phone and decided to decline the call, everytime he and Alex interacted in any way he always got him in a bad mood and today he wasn't feeling it.

"You're not gonna answer? Who is it?" Fraser asked as he tried to peak at James's phone.

"No one important really" Immediately after saying that he gets a message from Alex asking where he was.

"Oh" Fraser said."I thought you said y'all were done for good" he says giving James a quick peck on the lips and then sighing loudly."I wouldn't like to hurt him, he's one of my best mates, but both of you just aren't working out anymore babe. He stresses you out so much and I just feel like our relationship would work out better."

He felt a pang of guilt as Alex sent him two more messages saying "I'm worried" and "I love you" but brushed it away.

"I'll break up with him, I swear, just give me some time" The truth was James wanted to end that relationship so bad, but everytime he got close Alex would always start sobbing and pleading him not to.

"You really should, at this point you're going to hurt him more if you don't" James just answered with a sigh. "Or do you not want to break up with Alex? Maybe I'm getting this wrong. Who do you want to be with?" Fraser was starting to get annoyed with all this situation. Don't get him wrong he loves Alex, but James and him are not a good couple.

"Obviously you, I just need time to talk to him" James loved both of those boys so much. He remembers that when him and Alex started dating he felt this enormous joy that he was now feeling with Fraser. Alex could be such a handful sometimes while Fraser was more relaxed.

"Well you seem to be ignoring him a whole lot so talking with him is not really on your mind" He was now pissed. "My whole friendship with Alex is going to fall apart because of this so if you don't want to commit to this then don't waste my fucking time. Do you even get this?! I'm risking losing one of my best mates."

"Frase I know, calm down. Give me a week babe, I'm only asking for a week" James pleaded.

"Okay, I'm just going to film some stuff" James could see how much this whole thing was hurting Fraser but he also didn't want to hurt Alex, he was more fragile than the blonde one.

They kissed goodbye and Fraser left the room. Minutes after, James gathered the courage to call Alex back.

It rang a couple times until Alex answered.

"Hey" said the youngest while sniffling. James could tell he had been crying so he knew today wasn't the day, but when would it be? He would hate disappointing Fraser but this was way harder than what he had anticipated. "Could you please come over?" His heart broke a little hearing his voice filled with pain, he couldn't say no.

"Yeah, I'll be there in ten love" He hanged up and went toward the door when Fraser stopped him.

"Where are you going?" Said the blonde one with his arms crossed.

"Alex needs me, he was crying.. I can't just leave him alo-"

"Well you sure could ignore him, huh? Do I really have to fight Alex away from my man?" he said while he lightly chuckled trying to lighten the situation. " I'll go with you, after all he's my mate."

It was a silent walk filled by a comforting type of silence. They finally arrived and as they entered the flat, with James's spare keys, Alex jumped hug him and gave him a quick peck on the lips. Fraser rolled his eyes at the scene and felt this pang of jealousy that just told him to push Alex off of James, but he couldn't. He wondered if he told the youngest, Would they still be friends? Would Alex ever forgive him?

When Fraser finally noticed the state of his friend, his eyes were red, puffy and seemed lifeless and empty. In that moment all his jealousy disappeared.

He heard how Alex whispered to James "please never leave me" and he felt like he was drowning in guilt while James was floating on top of him.

He couldn't take it anymore and even though it pained him, he knew what was right, James was playing Alex and he didn't deserve it.

"Alex, I -no..We need to tell you something" James widened his eyes and gave him a 'what the fuck are you doing' look. He was doing the right thing, at least that's what he wanted to believe.

The short brunette looked at him curious while he could tell James was freaking out.

"James, please just tell him, were going to hurt him more if this keeps up" Fraser gave the tall brunette a pleading look.

"Alex I...okay" he sighed "I think we should break up" The taller male said in a trembling voice.

He could have sworn he heard how Alex's heart broke and in just a matter of seconds Alex started sobbing, asking him why and pleading him not to.

"Me and Fraser are kind of a thing Al, I wanted to tell you but I couldn't bare the thought of hurting you. You're such a nice bloke and you deserve someone who loves you and treats you right and that's just not me" As James mentioned their relationship Alex instantly looked at both of them, he could swear that was the coldest look he has gotten from Alex. 

"Get out, both of you." said the shortest one, his voice was shaky, cold and strangely calm.

"Alex, I'm so sor-" Fraser could finished his sentence as Alex started screaming at them to fuck off and get out.

They silently decided that leaving and letting Alex calm down would be for the best. As they left both of them felt this weight that had been holding them down leave and even though James wasn't so happy with Fraser he finally felt free.

While the two lovers were thriving, there was the blue boy sinking farther than he ever has.

There's a pain in my heart and it won't go away, now I know I'm falling in deep cause I need you here with me.


	2. I miss you too...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex sinks, George maintains him afloat.
> 
> They all try to fix the issue, but it goes to shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: mentions of suicide, depression and panic attacks, don't read if you're triggered by this topics

George

His roommate/best friend had been his rock in the whole James situation.  
He felt empty, alone and, in George's words, had 'fallen in a deep depression'.

He felt unlovable, was he really that whiny and needy that made James desperately want to get rid of him?

He watched every video that had James and Fraser in it. They looked happy. That was his punishment for losing James.

He watched for hours, replaying or changing the videos once in a while. They laughed, they exchanged 'I love you's, they cried...Wait.. No, that was just him. Big fat tears rolled off his cheeks and he was terrified of calling George for fear of him leaving because of his neediness, just like James did.

He finally decided to call George since he was nearing a panic attack.

"I'm sorry, I just...I just miss him so much" George was not really an emotional/touchy person, but he still rushed to Alex's side, hugging him and comforting him as best as he could."Am I annoying?" Mumbled the youngest through sobs.

"What? I mean...a little bit" he said as he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, but actually made it worse since that made the sobs ever louder."Hey, hey! I was just joking, you're not, I swear."

He tried helping but the sobs seem to get even louder so he decided just hugging and letting him get it all out.  
An hour or two later Alex finally fell asleep and George decided putting an end to all that.

He grabbed his phone and called a number that he hadn't dialed in almost a year since he thought it would only hurt Alex more but this had gotten out of hand. At this point George genuinely thought Alex would be capable of taking his own life and the mere thought of that terrified him.

"Hello?" he heard from the other line. He was doing it, talking to James after almost a year or maybe even a year already. Damn he was nervous.

"Hey James" he mumbled trying to sound as confident and chill as he could but failing miserably.

"George? Damn we haven't talked in ages! What's up? How's it going?" 

"Umm..well not great" he was doing it, finally putting an end to all this drama." You see, I need you to talk to Alex. This can't go any longer, this whole ignoring each other's existence. Alex is depressed and I have no idea how to help him, he needs you. Obviously I'm not asking for you two to get back together but I think he needs your support and maybe even Fraser's."

"George I-, your asking a lot of me, we were toxic for each other maybe even as friends and I get it, you want to help him but I'm not sure this is the way, I'll help with the cost of a therapist if that's what you're asking."

"Wh-what? No. James, I'm terrified. I'm scared one day I'll fucking arrive and I'll find one of my best mates hanging from the ceiling, don't you get it? He's depressed, you know how impulsive he is and he'll hate me forever if I even try getting him a therapist. Can you and Fraser just come here. I think we all need to talk."

"Okay, we'll be there in fifteen" and with that he hung up. George did it or at least tried. 

George carefully peaked into Alex's bedroom to find the other quietly snoring, he looked so peaceful so he decided it was best if he let him sleep. The poor boy probably hadn't been able to sleep peacefully in ages.

Eventually the doorbell rang and George hurriedly went to get the door.

"Hey" they stated awkwardly. Both looked really anxious.

"Oh, hi guys, come in." George said with a shy smile.

As they say down there was nerve-wracking silence and some awkward looks.

"Okay so I called you guys over because this thing of ignoring each other is not helping anyone, in fact I think is making it worse." George said stuttering a bit.

"Yeah, but you can't expect us to be friends like nothing. After all, he said he hated us" Fraser said with an angry tone.

"I mean, he found out his boyfriend was cheating on him with one of his best friends, I wouldn't be too happy if it were me." Said the shortest defending Alex.

"I- I- We love each other, what could we do? Keep lying to him?" Fraser's eyes were starting to water.

"No, but at least try to keep in contact. Telling Alex was probably for the best but leaving him absolutely broke him"

"Okay, maybe that was not the best on our part but George, reconnecting with him would be too hard and, as much as I hate watching him suffer, I feel suffocated by his presence" James felt the tension and tried to help.

"But you haven't..." Mumbled the shortest.

"Haven't what?" Asked the bearded one confused by what he meant.

"Watched him suffer" George was now pissed. No, fuck that! He was livid! "You haven't seen shit! I've watched him break himself over and over, he watches videos of you two as some sort of sick punishment he chose for himself. You know what the worst part is? He blames himself, for absolutely everything." George's eyes were teary and his voice was getting louder and louder with pure rage.  
"He- I- I love him and I am terrified. Terrified of arriving one day to find him hurt. He's gotten to the point where I truly believe he is a danger to himself and I wish I knew what's going on inside his head to try to help him. I don't know what to do, I feel completely powerless." The shortest had tears running down his eyes as he said that. Those tears confused Fraser and James. George has always been more of a 'poker face' never really showing his emotions. Both of them just rushed over to hug his distressed friend. They never thought how much stress this was putting on George's shoulders.

"I think you should go to Will's and get him to distract you for a while. We'll talk to him and try to solve all of this, I promise. Take a break, you've done more than enough. I'm sure Alex appreciates it" James said, trying to soften the situation.

Finally, George decided James was right so he went to Will's to record and have a laugh.

Fraser and James were surprised to find Alex still sleeping after George's meltdown. 

One thing that made James's heart warm when he was dating Alex was how angelic he looked while sleeping. They gently woke him up and when his eyes finally adjusted to the light, his face went from a sleepy one to a horrified one.

"What do you both want" Alex's voice was cold and distant.

"We just wanted to talk" James softly mumbles, as gently as he could feeling like Alex could break at any second.

"About what?" Said the youngest as he crossed his arms, trying to act all tough. 

"You're acting like a child" Fraser was done. He loved Alex before but now he was annoyed and a bit jealous. He wouldn't consider himself the jealous type but he always got insecure around Alex. James always reassured him he was over him but it never seem to cease that slowly growing feeling of insecurity. That's until they told Alex, it was practically Fraser's idea to cut off Alex for a while, it was meant to be some weeks but it prolonged a bit. A bit, well, it was almost a year but James knew Fraser's intentions weren't malicious.

"How about you two leave then?" Alex was already breaking down. His lower lip was trembling warning him that he was about to cry.

"Lex, we just want to help. We- we just want to mend thing between us, maybe even be friends again" James was so nervous, there was so much tension between Fraser and Alex, they could start fighting at any moment.

And indeed, the second James said that Fraser decided to make a snarky remark "Yeah besties, right Alex?"and finished it off with a little smirk. Alex didn't answer, well at least not with words, as Fraser said that the youngest lunged at him.

Alex wasn't the tallest, nor the strongest so as soon as he did that, Fraser defended himself. Alex grabbed his hair and scratched his face so Fraser kicked him off and started punching him in the face. The freckled one felt relieved maybe even happy, he knew that was sick, Alex was his friend but god did he get on his nerves.


	3. I think I miss you..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex wants peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warning  
I repeat MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING  
if you get triggered by suicide or suicidal thoughts do not read this DO NOT READ THIS

James finally stepped in and pulled Fraser off of Alex. Both boys were panting like crazy and while Fraser was fine,with minor scratches near the eye, Alex's nose was bleeding, he had a busted lip and was probably going to get a bruised cheek.

"God damnit, what the hell is wrong with you both?!" James was furious with both of them. He tried to be mature in this situation but these two where definitely making things harder. 

He told Fraser to wait in the living room while he helped Alex. When they finished they went towards the living room to finally try to put an end to this whole drama.

"If any of you start acting out again, I'm gonna pick my stuff and leave, got it?" They both nodded. "Now let's talk, I guess"

"James -I, I've tried moving on, it's not that easy. Not when it's constantly being rubbed on my face." Alex started as his voice broke a little.

"What is getting rubbed on your face? That he's my boyfriend now? I can't show affection to people I love? Is that it? You see at least I pay attention to what he needs and not only think about myself. I try to make him happy and that's something that you never cared about." "Fraser, stop" James intervened. "No, let me finish. Your whole relationship with James was you whining over anything really and him always coming to me after you sucked all the life out of his body with your problems. You were selfish and everyone, even me at one point, saw you as the victim. He ended up choosing ME because YOU were too much to handle" Fraser said all that barely breathing in between and the whole room was silent for some seconds.

The silence was broken by a sob. A heartbreaking sob. Alex just started sobbing on his hands as quietly as he could but not being successful to muffle his cries.

"Fucks sake, Fraser what the hell?" James was getting sick of this jealous attitude.

"Was I wrong in anything? No, I wasn't. He's trying to make you feel bad for him so you take him back. He's probably not crying for real." Fraser took a step forward and tore Alex's hands away from his face, immediately noticing the slight puffiness of his eyes and the dampness on his cheeks.  
"I don't trust him, how do we know if he's not trying to manipulate us?"

"I'm not, I'm fucking not. You're right, about everything you said. I- I just wish both of you the best, now please leave my flat" the shortest calmed voice kind of scared Fraser and James."Please"

"I'm going to call George and then we're going. We need to talk Fraser, this was a shit show" and so he did. He called George who said he would be arriving in 5 and got up. When they were out of the flat they could clearly hear sobs and it broke James heart but he knew staying would make it worse.

"What the fuck was all of that Fraser?! He's mentally ill, you can't just say that. For all we know he might feel worse than before. I wanted to mend this, I don't know about you." James was clearly pissed off.

"I-i don't know what came over me, maybe we should go back, I have to apologise. I didn't mean anything I said, maybe a bit but mostly not. Alex is my friend and I wouldn't want him to hurt himself because of anything I said today. I really didn't mean it, it was jealousy talking, not me." He could see how affected Fraser was. He never was the type to try and hurt someone on purpose.

"I- babe I know, why are you jealous though. Be more secure in our relationship, I want us to work and I'm not getting back together with Alex. You need to trust me."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I do. I trust you" He didn't but he was going to try his very best to do so. He wanted to save their relationship. As he thought that, they embraced in a hug and walked back home.

Trigger warning for Suicide & Self-Harm

Trigger warning for Suicide & Self-Harm

Trigger warning for Suicide & Self-Harm 

If you get triggered by suicide or self-harm do not and I repeat, DO NOT read this part.

Alex was done, he was done. Life in general seemed dull, any interaction seemed painful, he was sick of it.  
He took a paper and simply wrote "I don't want to feel like this anymore", he expected to be scared and shaky, but what scared him the most was..he felt relaxed, okay, for the first time in a while.

That was the last push, he knew George was coming so he had start thinking, he hadn't planned it yet.  
He chose the fastest and what Alex felt like the most painless way.

The short boy took the paper and left it on the table so when George arrived he could see it and, with that, he leaves and goes up the stairs, to the rooftop.

This was it.   
He never did anything amazing like he dreamed about when he was a kid. He never did anything memorable. Nobody would remember him and, bizarrely, he was okay with that.

He thought about Will, George, his brother, his parents, James, Fraser, anyone he ever knew or even had a conversation with, and thanked them.

He thanked Will for all those sleepless nights, he always supported anything he wanted to do. Maybe one of his greatest friend, he really saw him as his older brother, he was family and Alex would miss him.

He thanked George for not letting him sink, wasting his time and life to take care of him, mentally exhausting himself for Alex. He was a saint and Alex would always be grateful, he was also family. 

He thanked his family for trying to "fix" him, for never giving up on him and for giving him all the love and support they could give.

He thanked James for everything, he gave him his life, he let Alex suck the life out of his body. He was his rock, but Alex let the rock fall off the cliff, to then fell with it too. 

He thanked Fraser. He wasn't a bad friend, he tried his best to help him, but Alex was too far gone. He was the first one to open his eyes and call Alex's bullshit and for that, Alex would be incredibly grateful.

The fringed boy stepped forward, just in the edge and took a deep breath. Suddenly he heard a little beep from his phone, alerting him that he got a notification.

Alex carefully took his phone to see 3 messages from George and 1 from Will.

George

"Where the fuck are you?"

"Alex, for real, don't do anything irrational"

"Alex, I love you, please don't do anything"

Will

"We love you Alex, where are you?"

So George was with Will, probably looking for him. The mere thought of that made him freak out. As he thought that, he received an incoming call from..

James

Alex debated declining it or accepting, but as it would probably be the last time hearing his voice he decided to accept it.

"Hello, Alex? Where are you? George and Will are here looking for you" James voice was shaky, panicked and clearly distressed.

"I'm sorry, tell them not to worry. I'll be in peace in a moment" Alex's voice seemed relaxed, which seemed to upset James even more.

"Alex you're on speaker now, w-" James was roughly interrupted by an extremely worried George "Alex, listen to me. Tell me where you are and I'll go, just me. We could talk for a bit and rethink this. I would follow you anywhere. You're one of my closest friends and I love you. Please don't do anything" George's voice broke after pronouncing those last words.

"I'm so sorry, but I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I'm at the rooftop and I'm going to hang up now and do what I had to do a long time ago. Bye, I love all of you." Alex was trying to not get upset by George's voice.

"No! wai-" and with that Alex hung up. He looked at his phone in his hand and threw it. He wouldn't need it anymore.

Alex started doubting his decision, should he? Should he not?

While in Fraser's and James's flat, chaos was reigning. They lived near each other but George knew he wouldn't be able to go to the rooftop that fast. He still bursted out and ran down the street. Looking up and seeing his friend, standing at the edge. 

"DON'T, PLEASE!" George was desperate but what he didn't notice was that the others followed him.

There they stood. Will, Fraser and George. Alex could clearly see them, but where was James at?

Shit 

Alex thought instantly as he heard the rooftop's door open.  
There he stood, just by looking at James his heart fluttered. He hated that, they were done, over, but Alex couldn't seem to get over it. So he got off the edge and collapsed. He was so tired.

James quickly ran over him, hugging him and quietly mumbling "I could've lost you" a bunch of times. While Alex just sat there and sobbed.

That gave the others enough time to go to the rooftop. The other three rushed over Alex as well and have him a group hug.

They were all shaken up but as that group hug went to an end, they stood up and took Alex to the flat again.

"This has spiraled out of control" George whispered to James and Fraser. " I don't know what the fuck happened before, in that conversation you guys had, but please, please, try to make thing better. Now"

"Yeah, this needs to end" Will chimed in.

"Okay" James softly responded as he told Fraser to wait in Alex's bedroom.

"Come on, Al" He softly put his hands on Alex's shoulders and directed him to his own bedroom. This was going to be something.

"Ok, let's talk" Fraser started "I'm sorry, I've been acting like a jealous bitch but listen to me. When you and James started dating, and as you guys announced it, I remember feeling this.. this jealousy bubbling inside me. When I finally started dating James, it just- it just felt too good to be true. I mean he loved you once, nothing told me he couldn't do it again." Fraser sighed looking slightly embarrassed" I didn't mean to take it out on you, which I know I did, but you're my friend and I shouldn't have treated you like that. So, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry"

The room fell silent, but that silent was broke by quiet sobs.

"I'm sorry, I just..." Alex cut himself off abruptly "I just haven't gotten over this yet, and it's still too painful. Fraser, you were my friend, my boyfrie-... well ex boyfriend, cheated on me with you and then you started treating me like shit." Alex fake laughed "I think you both expect me to just move on like you two did. I'm not neither of you, and I wouldn't do what both of you did to me to anyone." His voice broke a little but he still kept his cool "You cheated James, with a really close friend might I add. How the fuck do you both expect me to just move on when I didn't even get a closure?"

"A closure? What do you mean" James said. He was sweating profusely, scared of saying something that could fuck things up. He was walking on eggshells at this point.

"Why did you do it? That's the closure I need. Was it me? Could I have done anything to fix our relationship? I need to know"

"Ok, ok, I'll answer your questions just umm... Ask away I guess" This was gonna be a long night.


End file.
